Source : Far Side
- A man walks into a bar.
He said, “Ouch.”
- Two guys walk into a bar.
The third one ducks.
- A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveler walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells. “Some kind of joke?”
- A ghost walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”
- A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a pint and a mop.”
- A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and says, “A beer, please! And one for the road!”
- A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “How the hell did you do that?”
- A man walks into a bar owned by horses.
The bartender says, “Why the short face?”
- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”
- A tennis ball walks into a bar.
The barman says, “Have you been served?”
- A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and… Tonic.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?” And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
- Two dragons walk into a bar.
The first one says, “It sure is hot in here.”
His friend snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
- A weasel walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”
“Pop,” goes the weasel.
- A penguin walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “So, what will it be this time?”
The penguin doesn’t answer because it’s a penguin.
- A horse walks into a bar.
The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”
- A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
- What asks but never answers?
- What’s black when you get it, red when you use it, and white when you’re done with it?
- How far can you run into the woods?
- There was a green house. Inside the green house there was a white house. Inside the white house there was a red house. Inside the red house there were lots of babies. What is it?
- Take off my skin – I won’t cry, but you will! What am I?
- Why did the golfer change his socks?
- A man started to town with a fox, a goose, and a sack of corn. He came to a stream which he had to cross in a tiny boat. He could only take one across at a time. He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn. How did he get them all safely over the stream?
- What has a tongue, cannot walk, but gets around a lot?
- Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?
- I am the beginning of the end, and the end of time and space.
- I am essential to creation, and I surround every place.
- What has rivers with no water, forests but no trees and cities with no buildings?
- There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
- I can run but not walk. Whereever I go, thought follows me close behind?
- Imagine you are in a dark room. How do you get out?
- Stop imagining.
The last 20 blonde jokes
- What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
- What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
- Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her!
- What’s five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade.
- Why was the blondes’ belly button sore?
Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
- Why did the blonde put water on her computer?
To wash the Windows.
- What do you say to a blonde that won’t come home with you?
“Have another beer.”
- What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
- What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
If you lay a brick it doesn’t follow you around for two weeks.
- Did you hear about the blonde who had two chances to get pregnant?
She blew them both.
- How do you drown a blonde?
Tape a mirror to the bottom of a pool.
- How can you get a blonde to laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
- How do you kill a blonde?
Give her a gun and say it’s a hair drier.
- What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.
- A blonde is wearing a pair of socks that don’t match, one is red and the other is white.
Her friend sees her out and says, “You know your socks don’t match, right? You’re wearing one red sock and one white sock.”
The blonde responds, “That’s so weird!
I have another pair just like it in my drawer at home.”
- How does a horny guy spell relief?
- How come it takes so long to build a blonde snowman?
Because you have to hollow out the head.
- How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
By the chipped tooth.
- Whats the differance between a blonde and a mosquito?
When you slap the blonde she keeps on sucking.
- What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.